Cold hands, warm shart.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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