he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
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I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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