even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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