i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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