Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
