College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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