just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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