dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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