I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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