after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
