Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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