Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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