if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
