Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
