i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
