i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
