I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
