I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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