drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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