I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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