Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize