I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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