so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
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I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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