are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
