Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
