grandma shit on top of the toilet
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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