I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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