I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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