I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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