If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
