My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize