he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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