im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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