Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
