my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
