the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Come share oat with me in your robe
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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