does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
