Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
