I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She told me I should be a condom model.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
