I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
