Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
