heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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