My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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