I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
