she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
