Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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