ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
