Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
