I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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