Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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