i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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