i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
