I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
