ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
