If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
