loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I wear drunk well.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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