3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
